What is the Difference? Celebration of Life, Memorials, & Funerals

Creating a ceremony to honor the life and legacy of our loved ones can be a meaningful way to care for ourselves, our beloved, and our communities. Often, folks will share with me that they feel overwhelmed by the task of hosting a ceremony that speaks to the wishes, values, and qualities of their loved one. It can feel at times near impossible, as making room for our love & grief takes presence, emotional energy, and courage.

In our present way of thinking, we have three primary forms of ceremonies in which we honor those who have died: funerals, memorials, and celebrations of life. It can be confusing to know where to focus our attention without understanding the difference between them. To simplify this, I offer a synopsis of each as you start to think about how you’d like to honor your beloved:

Funeral

A funeral is an opportunity to say goodbye to our loved one, including their physical body. This includes visiting the body, a memorial service, and a committal of the body to its resting place.

Often, folks share that this is the most difficult aspect to imagine, and a primary reason why they might choose a Celebration of Life instead; it feels “morbid” or painful to say goodbye, and our culture may or may not be familiar with honoring the body in this way.

However, there is something that happens when we don’t make space for this goodbye. Sometimes, it can be quite abrupt to the system to see someone well or dying, and then not see them again until they are in a funeral home. It can be helpful for the grieving person’s body, mind, and spirit to include this returning of our loved one back to the earth as we make space for our grief.

There are many ways to bring in some aspects - as unfathomable as it might sound - of beauty and reverence to this process. We can decorate the box or space in which they will rest with flowers or artwork, dress our beloved in special clothing or jewelry, or say a blessing as they are released. This is a valuable way to invite children & teens to say goodbye as well, as long as the children have an opportunity to make this choice.

We may have attended funerals in the past that don’t align with our values or those of a loved one. They might have felt “forced” or unnatural at times. The idea of a funeral can also be another way that we have to face the reality that our loved one has died - and sometimes, that can feel like just too much to bear.

It doesn’t have to be the way you’ve experienced it in the past, and you get to decide if a funeral is right for you.

Memorial

The physical body of our beloved is not present at a memorial. Though a cremation urn may be present (depending on the perspectives of those you are working with), there may be photographs or other symbols of a loved one instead of their physical form. A memorial is often thought of as less traditional than a funeral, and might have a slightly different structure - however, the service remains a valuable element. A memorial is an opportunity to remember the life of your loved one, and connect with those who are grieving to share memories and emotions.

One of the benefits of a memorial is that it need not occur immediately after a loved one dies; you can take a moment to find a time that you can gather with those who matter most (though, I wouldn’t suggest waiting too long for a memorial as holding ceremony for grief is impactful, especially in the early months). A memorial can also make it a bit easier to bring in some of the rituals that are important to you, depending on the setting & host.

Celebration of Life

Celebrations of Life (CoL) are increasingly popular as the years go on, and what I find folks reaching out to me are most interested in creating. CoL are opportunities to really hone in on - what was it that made your loved one special? What was their legacy, and how did/does it impact you? From there, you can create a ceremony to celebrate who your loved one was, in a way that aligns with your family’s personal values, belief systems, and rituals.

A CoL could look like anything from a gathering at a venue to share videos, stories, & songs, to a child’s favorite summer vacation spot to have a memorial scavenger hunt and birdseed release, to a backyard hangout with familiar beverages and hilarious stories. The CoL is whatever you make it.

Often, CoL are thought of as more “positive” or “cheery” events. The truth is, life is messy - it is full of both the beautiful as well as the inexcusable. My encouragements to anyone leaning towards a CoL are: 1) Make space for grief. We all need permission to feel the depths of our feelings, and that is most powerfully done together. Yes, celebrate your beloved - and, don’t carry the expectation that it will be seamless and free from grief. That is impossible when you love someone so much. It is okay and important to grieve. 2) Have some form of order, or ceremony. Though it can be tempting to simply gather together without a structure, I find it is most helpful to everyone when there is some sort of beginning, middle, and end - rituals, in other words. This could be anything from offering a toast to reading a poem to sharing a video. A program can be helpful too, no matter how simple. Use this as an opportunity to bask in the wonder that was your loved one.

No matter what route you choose to pursue, there is no right or wrong. You might find yourself at odds with your wishes and those of your loved one, family, friends, or even ancestors. You might find that you want to create a solo ritual for yourself before or after this event as well. It is also possible you will find great meaning in sifting through and sharing the memories - as painful and beautiful and messy as they might be - as you navigate this time of grief.

This is your time, and yours to create. If you find yourself overwhelmed, needing guidance, confused, or having difficulty at any stage of the process, reach out. I am happy to be your confidant, memory holder, brainstormer, or space maker as you find your way. We can find a time to consult or process, or co-create your ceremony script & outline; I also am here to serve as your ceremonial celebrant, MC, and overall co-creator for a fully supported journey. Whatever it is you need along the way, let’s talk. This can be a meaningful time; no matter how you approach it, make the most of it. You need not walk alone.